Geeky Holiday Dream

Last week at work we were told that there was a door decorating contest for the holidays. Well, my people and I work in cubicles so we were without a door. Well, we decided to find a nearby one and commandeer it. The result? A Geeky Holiday Dream.

We went through several iterations which first included taking the door off the hinges and putting it up in front of a cubicle, then decorating the door to look like the inside of said cubicle. Finally, we settled on constructing a miniature office and putting different sci-fi characters inside of it dressed in a holiday theme. We had Yoda as Santa, Worf, Frodo and Spidey as elves and Hagrid as Frosty. We even had Harry Potter riding by on a candy cane and Gollum peering down from above. The cubicles were modeled after the ones we work in, complete with mini PC's with their browsers pointed toward our applications and miniature, working fluorescent lighting. The background was black and starry complete with real constellations and the whole thing was wired for sound with a mixture of Christmas music and sci-fi movie quotes shuffled and played in a loop.

To tie the whole thing together, I wrote the following poem and we included a copy of it on the door.

Twas the night before Geekmas, and all through this pun
Not a phaser is firing, not even on stun.
The systems were up on the network, no fear,
In hopes not to crash before the end of the year.

The Ewoks all sang and the Wookies did shed,
While visions of new jobs danced in their heads.
No gnomes causing mischief, no droids sold for scrap;
MyPay has gone buggy, there's no time to nap!

In the middle of the night, they all heard the chatter.
Everyone was called in to see whats the matter.
The hobbits came running to yon OPM
And Klingons reported to Leotis, Kim.

The forest moon of Endor cried in alarm
Overtime would be needed just like a charm
They gazed out office windows and what should appear?
But the starship Enterprise, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, all hopped up on soda,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Yoda.
"All night you must work, time not there is for pain!"
The force he did use to yell at them by name.

"Now Hobbits! Now Klingons! Now Haggrid as Frosty!
On Spidey! On Starships and on Harry Potter!
To the top of the ceiling and off of the walls!
All over you're bouncing with no caffeine at all!"

His face was so wrinkled and ears were so pointy
How could they refuse him or laugh at the shorty?
Everyone worked hard and made their monitors glow.
They all toiled away as they heard "Make it so!"

With a test username and a test password too,
The system was humming, thanks to the crew.
Now Yoda was happy and the users did scream
Because its time for an end to this Geeky Holiday Dream!

Taco Bell

Dammit, I hate Taco Bell. Honestly though, I partially hate it because I love it.

The other day, I ordered their Fully Loaded Nachos (TM). That hot mess was so damn big that by the time I got halfway through, the chips on the bottom were already soggy. Everything else on there tasted like the guacamole - even the bits that had no guacamole on it.

All Taco Bell food seems to have that property. I hate lettuce so I order my food without it. Often, a stray bit of lettuce finds its way onto my food anyway. I guess they're hoping that I'll slowly build up an immunity to it, but I won't. The problem is that any shred of lettuce within 5 feet also seems to magically permeate all of your food.

And then there's the beans. Everything, and I mean everything in that place smells like the damn beans. I remember one time when I was younger just ordering a water to drink. Well, the cups in the place had picked up the bean scent so every time I took a drink, it was like drinking pureed pintos. Have you ever noticed how fast they build a Taco Bell? My theory is that they use the thick, brown paste they call pinto beans as stucco. Recently, I went to Taco Bell and ordered 3 items, all of which had the aforementioned, inescapable beans. The only problem is that the master chef on duty had scorched the beans. Good God almighty if there's one thing worse than Taco Bell pinto beans, it's scorched Taco Bell pinto beans!

The Bell is open until about 3 AM and they try to make eating their food that late at night sound like its second nature with their whole "Fourth Meal" campaign. But heed this warning: Taco Bell should not be consumed by any human being after midnight. Hell, it's like we turn into Gremlins or something. As a matter of fact, that's one of our three rules.

1) Don't eat Taco Bell after midnight.

2) Don't eat yellow snow.

3) Don't drink the water in Mexico.

Speaking of Mexico, I think we're all pretty much aware that Taco Bell is not Mexican food. However, I don't think the opposite is true yet. I've seen people go to Mexican restaurants and have no clue about what to order. The other day I saw a woman proudly order a chalupa only to sit and stare at her plate in disappointment once the food arrived because it wasn't what she got at Taco Bell. Well either that or she thought she was getting a chupacabra. Either way, damn you, Taco Bell for clouding our perceptions of foreign food!

So why the heck do I keep going back? Well for one thing, they come up with really innovative food. I mean, who doesn't want soft shells and crispy shells magically entwined together like some marriage between cherubim and seraphim, encasing seasoned beef, vegetables, and both shredded cheese and cheese sauce? They've also concocted a taco with an incandescent red shell and molten cheese sauce. And don't even get me started on their "pizza." Finally, I guess the two most deciding factors of Taco Bell's success - it's convenient and it's cheap.

Until a viable alternative has been found for cheap, salty food that I can get after 10PM, I'll find myself eating their strange, "Mexican" foodstuffs and occasionally scraping off lettuce in vain.