Taco Bell

Dammit, I hate Taco Bell. Honestly though, I partially hate it because I love it.

The other day, I ordered their Fully Loaded Nachos (TM). That hot mess was so damn big that by the time I got halfway through, the chips on the bottom were already soggy. Everything else on there tasted like the guacamole - even the bits that had no guacamole on it.

All Taco Bell food seems to have that property. I hate lettuce so I order my food without it. Often, a stray bit of lettuce finds its way onto my food anyway. I guess they're hoping that I'll slowly build up an immunity to it, but I won't. The problem is that any shred of lettuce within 5 feet also seems to magically permeate all of your food.

And then there's the beans. Everything, and I mean everything in that place smells like the damn beans. I remember one time when I was younger just ordering a water to drink. Well, the cups in the place had picked up the bean scent so every time I took a drink, it was like drinking pureed pintos. Have you ever noticed how fast they build a Taco Bell? My theory is that they use the thick, brown paste they call pinto beans as stucco. Recently, I went to Taco Bell and ordered 3 items, all of which had the aforementioned, inescapable beans. The only problem is that the master chef on duty had scorched the beans. Good God almighty if there's one thing worse than Taco Bell pinto beans, it's scorched Taco Bell pinto beans!

The Bell is open until about 3 AM and they try to make eating their food that late at night sound like its second nature with their whole "Fourth Meal" campaign. But heed this warning: Taco Bell should not be consumed by any human being after midnight. Hell, it's like we turn into Gremlins or something. As a matter of fact, that's one of our three rules.

1) Don't eat Taco Bell after midnight.

2) Don't eat yellow snow.

3) Don't drink the water in Mexico.

Speaking of Mexico, I think we're all pretty much aware that Taco Bell is not Mexican food. However, I don't think the opposite is true yet. I've seen people go to Mexican restaurants and have no clue about what to order. The other day I saw a woman proudly order a chalupa only to sit and stare at her plate in disappointment once the food arrived because it wasn't what she got at Taco Bell. Well either that or she thought she was getting a chupacabra. Either way, damn you, Taco Bell for clouding our perceptions of foreign food!

So why the heck do I keep going back? Well for one thing, they come up with really innovative food. I mean, who doesn't want soft shells and crispy shells magically entwined together like some marriage between cherubim and seraphim, encasing seasoned beef, vegetables, and both shredded cheese and cheese sauce? They've also concocted a taco with an incandescent red shell and molten cheese sauce. And don't even get me started on their "pizza." Finally, I guess the two most deciding factors of Taco Bell's success - it's convenient and it's cheap.

Until a viable alternative has been found for cheap, salty food that I can get after 10PM, I'll find myself eating their strange, "Mexican" foodstuffs and occasionally scraping off lettuce in vain.