Food Porn

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Are you tolerant of your oven?

Remember way back when we were children and were introduced to the slutty ways of the Easy Bake Oven? Sure, anyone could stick a bun in its oven but we whole-heartedly accepted her loose ways. But that wasn't good enough. Now there's a gay oven uprising!

Recently Quiznos introduced the Toasty Torpedo. The sandwich alone is over a foot long and is incredibly phallic-shaped, especially when cut in half. The bread is "ciabatta" which is apparently Italian for "penis." The safe way to eat the thing is to utilize the special wrapper it comes in. You can insert your own Italian sausage joke here.

Now to the crux of the situation - the gay oven. Here is a sampling of the dialogue found on their new commercial:

Oven: "Scott, I want you to do something."

Scott: "I'm not doing that again. I got burned."

Oven: "We both enjoyed that."

...

Oven: "Put it in me, Scott."

...

Oven: "Say it, Scott."
Scott: "Only four dollars?"

Oven: "Say it sexy."

Scott: "Only four dollars."

Oven: "Sexier."
Scott: "Only four dollars."

I'm still haunted by the oven's baritone voice saying, "Put it in me, Scott." That doesn't leave much to the imagination. I think we all know what was stuck where to get that burn. On the web site linked above, you can hear some of the dialogue and when you mouse over some of the graphics, the oven moans in sheer ecstasy. I know ovens are supposed to be hot, but this one is flaming!

I actually tried these sandwiches and I'll tell ya, I felt dirty for putting that thing in my mouth! First I pumped out some horseradish sauce into a cup, unwrapped the sandwich, dipped the end into the thick, white sauce and had my first meaty bite. I felt like I could've been in a George Michael video.