Going Pro

Many moons ago when I was a college student full of piss and vinegar, I had all kinds of time on my hands. Every weekend, my friends and I played Magic on Saturday nights and entered the tournaments on Sunday mornings. I was good too, because I was smart. I studied the cards, knew how they went together, saw things that other people overlooked - a real stickler for the more unintuitive aspects of the game. I knew that good decks always had a Plan B and that really good decks had a Plan C.

How good was I? Well, I was in the top 100 in Alabama at one time. Not a great accomplishment by any standards, but I often received invites to be in bigger tournaments. I actually went to the Regionals one year. It was fun. I often thought about the Pro Tour. I'll never forget how I felt when my friends and I watched Jon Finkel utterly destroy his opponent using his Tinker deck. This is back when the Pro Tour actually aired on ESPN. The twinkle that Finkel got in his eyes as he tapped his Metalworker and flopped down an entire hand full of artifacts really inspired me. I built my own Tinker deck shortly after that and occasionally play it still, though it has been modified many times throughout the years. It's still one of my strongest decks and every time I play it, I think about Finkel. But more importantly, I think about the Pro Tour.

After college, I moved to Georgia and practically dropped off the face of the earth. Sure Georgia has Magic, and actually plenty of tournaments. I just took a while to get established and then started playing more and more home games - where it doesn't matter if your deck is standard, extended, legal, illegal or even proxy and absolutly zero DCI points are awarded.

So where do I stand now? I'm not a kid any more. But is this game really just a kid's game? Absolutely not. I've been listening to podcasts covering the Pro Tour and these guys are around my age. I listen to the decks that they build and the plays they make. These guys are pros and I'm sitting here thinking one thing - I can beat them...or at least hang with them. Pro players stand a chance at making a lot of money, about $45,000 to the winner. Hell, the legendary Shadowmage Infiltrator himself, Jon Finkel, won a total of $291,869.00 in his career on the Pro Tour...and he's only the number 2 all-time money winner.

What makes me think I have a shot? Well, a couple of things. A few weeks ago, I was looking through my cards, just from the Alara block. I got that old feeling, seeing how some cards go together, thinking of exactly how I could exploit the rules. I put together a deck that seemed to be just right. Even as I was building it, I kept thinking about how much it reminded me of my Tinker deck because of the way it flowed, and then all the feelings of wanting to play in the Pro Tour came back. I took the deck to a home game and played it against my friends. It worked so well. It was complete. It was efficient. Every card had a purpose and they all worked perfectly together. My friends were impressed. I've played several more games with this deck, winning almost every one of them. And this is not just a Standard deck, but a Block deck and it was wiping up the floor with Extended BS decks!

Do I want to do this for the money? No, I have a good job. The prestige? That's nice, but not exactly what I'm looking for. I honestly and with all sincerity just want to do this to prove to myself that I can - prove that I'm still relevant in the world of CCGs and perhaps it is an attempt to both recapture my youth and to explore the options that I didn't back then. Exactly why didn't I go for it back then anyway? Well, I was scared and I was lazy. I was in college on a schoolastic scholarship and I didn't want to lose that. I just didn't think that I could balance competition at a higher level with all the educational and social aspects that go along with pursuing a college degree.

So what now? In all honesty, there's a very good chance that I'll just fade back into obscurity and continue to play home games, having fun with my friends. There's nothing wrong with that. I love my friends and I love just relaxing in casual play, but I wouldn't exactly be pursuing my dream. However, if my years of playing D&D has taught me anything, there's always a chance at success...and always a 5% chance at a critical success! It is my hope that I can get involved in a few local tournaments, get back on the DCI's radar, slowly working my way up the circuit and who knows - one day get that magical blue envelope, an invite to the Pro Tour.

Copyright Infringement?

OK, so does the following look framiliar?

Have a look back at this. So do I have a case?

The Daisy and the Dragon Part 2

After the wedding, my friends and I sufficiently trashed the newlyweds' car. Inspired, I wrote an addendum to the original Daisy and Dragon story.

The two were now joined, and no man can sunder.
The dragon had a new mission - vagander to plunder!

The two flew away at such a great speed,
They did not even notice a loose anal bead.

With the flower in his clutches, over Rome, Spain and China,
The dragon could not wait to sample the flower's vagina.

The dragon gazed at the daisy and knew she was ripe for the plucking.
So with green dong in hand, he turned out the light for a fucking.

To the dragon's surprise, he did not know her greatest power.
The gear shifter was used, but not on the flower!

All night long, strange noises filled the keep;
The whimpering of a dragon and the bahing of a sheep.

If anything could be said, it was a great honeymoon,
With several rubber dildos and a festival of poon.

The Daisy & the Dragon

This past Saturday, two of my friends got married. The theme of the reception was Daisies and Dragons (d&d). To celebrate the occasion, I wrote them a story:

Once upon a time, there was a dragon of might.
With honor and pride, he did whatever was right.

There was also a lady with magical powers,
Known throughout the land as the Princess of Flowers.

One day, the mighty dragon felt a pain in his heart.
The problem, you see, he was missing a part.

The princess also yearned for her prince to come along.
It seemed lyrics of love echoed in every song.

The dragon searched the realm, looking for love
Until one day, he saw a flower from above.

The princess was calm as the hairs stood on her neck.
She knew someone was coming - perception check!

When the princess saw the dragon, she knew he was the one
So she used her greatest power, and the charming had begun.

The dragon admitted, "I was not ensorceled, for I made my save.
'Tis only the beauty of your flower that my heart does crave."

The two were united for the kingdom to see
A time of great happiness - both hearts filled with glee.

So with nights filled with love and days filled with laughter,
The dragon and his daisy lived happily ever after.

On Being a Father

I was born on Father's Day. When I was growing up, at first I didn't think much about it. Then I thought sharing that time of year with my father was neat. Later, when I actually started buying gifts, I thought about how I had to buy gifts just around the time of year I was getting them. But now that I'm older, Father's Day holds much more significance to me.

First, I think of how my father has treated me my entire life. Through bad times or good, he always loved me just because I'm his son. What more could you ask for - love without having to do anything in return, even if you screw up. Also, my father was always the provider for my entire family, always making sure we had whatever we needed. He's always been a God fearing Christian and made sure that my brother and I always went to Church when we were young. And he always held an interest in whatever we were doing.

Next, I think of how much my father has influenced me. Without his presence throughout my life, where would I be? What kind of person would I be? Often I find myself repeating some of the words and phrases that I heard him say throughout my childhood. I was always listening to him, even when he may have thought that I wasn't.

Finally, I think about the future. Here we are on the precipice of another Father's Day and another birthday for me, bringing me yet one year further into my adult life. And now I'm starting to think, "Why am I not a father? Wouldn't it be nice to have a kid of my own?" If and when I do become a father, I want to be the kind of man that my father was for me.

This past week, my 6-year-old niece has been staying with me. She's just about the sweetest thing on earth - full of energy and smiles. However, from time to time, I can barely keep up with her. It's hard for me to remember sometimes that she's just a kid when I'm begging and pleading with her to eat something. Kids are just picky. And they're afraid of the dark sometimes. And even a tiny scrape can be traumatic. As an uncle, I have the distinct pleasure of being able to visit with my niece, spoil her rotten and then just move along. But what if I were her father? Could I handle it? I love her to death, but honestly I'm just not sure.

I'm lucky to have the father that I do. If your father was present throughout your childhood, or even as an adult, then you're lucky too. Don't ever take that for granted. If you are a father, then congratulations. I just hope that you're a part of your child's everyday life.

Do I want to be a father? Yes. Am I ready to be a father? Honestly, no...no I'm not. But my theory is that no one really is. No matter how prepared you may think you are, things are just different once you actually hold your own child in your arms. There will always be the unexpected, your patience will always be tried and accidents will happen. But through it all, there is love - the love between a father and his child.

Food Porn

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Are you tolerant of your oven?

Remember way back when we were children and were introduced to the slutty ways of the Easy Bake Oven? Sure, anyone could stick a bun in its oven but we whole-heartedly accepted her loose ways. But that wasn't good enough. Now there's a gay oven uprising!

Recently Quiznos introduced the Toasty Torpedo. The sandwich alone is over a foot long and is incredibly phallic-shaped, especially when cut in half. The bread is "ciabatta" which is apparently Italian for "penis." The safe way to eat the thing is to utilize the special wrapper it comes in. You can insert your own Italian sausage joke here.

Now to the crux of the situation - the gay oven. Here is a sampling of the dialogue found on their new commercial:

Oven: "Scott, I want you to do something."

Scott: "I'm not doing that again. I got burned."

Oven: "We both enjoyed that."

...

Oven: "Put it in me, Scott."

...

Oven: "Say it, Scott."
Scott: "Only four dollars?"

Oven: "Say it sexy."

Scott: "Only four dollars."

Oven: "Sexier."
Scott: "Only four dollars."

I'm still haunted by the oven's baritone voice saying, "Put it in me, Scott." That doesn't leave much to the imagination. I think we all know what was stuck where to get that burn. On the web site linked above, you can hear some of the dialogue and when you mouse over some of the graphics, the oven moans in sheer ecstasy. I know ovens are supposed to be hot, but this one is flaming!

I actually tried these sandwiches and I'll tell ya, I felt dirty for putting that thing in my mouth! First I pumped out some horseradish sauce into a cup, unwrapped the sandwich, dipped the end into the thick, white sauce and had my first meaty bite. I felt like I could've been in a George Michael video.